Five hard truths about reinvention...

A few days ago I received an email from one of my clients.  In the initial stages of reinventing herself, she was in the thick of the paralyzing, stressful and panicky feelings that often accompany the process.  Her vision wasn't yet fully formed, people in her life were objecting to the new steps she was taking, and she needed to earn cash-- fast.  Her question to me: how could she reinvent herself when she was feeling this way?

It is a myth that reinventing yourself is some lovely, exciting process that feels good all the time.  Reinvention is hard work; it requires a lot of ditch-digging, soul-searching, staying strong in the face of opposition and challenge.  It is a testing of everything we know, all that we thought true about ourselves and others.  I wrote to her the following hard truths about reinvention; she has graciously allowed me to share them with you:

1. People will be freaked out by your changes. When we reinvent ourselves, our desire to follow our truth can be very threatening to those around us.  You can expect that some people will be resentful and try to block you or shut you down.  Sometimes it's those who are closest to us who do this, because they have the most to lose if we change.  Although you can't let yourself be driven by other people's fear, it's important that you acknowledge its validity and accept it.  We must grant others the freedom to have their feelings about our reinvention while not letting it stop us from moving forward.
2. There will be fallout.  There are consequences to pursuing reinvention: people get angry with us, we have to downsize or restructure our lifestyles; we have less time for hobbies, friends or ourselves.  This doesn't mean that we drop our quest, but we give up the myth that there won't be significant downsides to the choices we make.  Part of reinventing ourselves is taking responsibility for the results of our decisions while fulfilling the needs of our lives-- often a difficult balancing act.
3. You must learn to coexist with your fear. Oftentimes the reason we fight so violently against those who are freaking out about our choices is because they're voicing the fears we'd rather not acknowledge.  Martha Beck's wonderful new book, Steering by Starlight, calls those fears 'the inner lizard'.  We can't ever fully get rid of the lizard; we must learn to coexist with it and manage it.
4. You don't stop your life to reinvent yourself. Get over the fantasy of having all the time in the world to devote to this process.  If there are circumstances that cause most of your time to temporarily be diverted (i.e. a work project or a family trip), don't waste time or energy resenting or resisting them.  Just go with it.  Even in the midst of busyness it's still possible to take 30 minutes a day to keep yourself centered on your future, whether it's a phone call, research, or inspirational reading.
5. Getting a 'job for now' to earn cash IS reinventing yourself.  Reinvention means doing what it takes to make our dreams happen and, oftentimes, this means taking a 'B' job (as I did when I temped for several months).  Taking a 'job for now' doesn't mean giving up reinvention; in the larger context of life, interim steps are often valuable stepping stones.

My client is once again moving forward.  She will encounter other hurdles on her road to reinvention, but keeping these truths in mind will help her clear them and reach her goal.

Comments

[Jaya Schillinger]

What great words of wisdom! I think the value is that when you understand that these hard parts are absolutely normal, in fact should be EXPECTED, they are easier to deal with.

Re: #4.
I hate having to give up my fantasty that if I could just make everything else stop, I could *really* implement the new projects/changes I want to. You're right though. Waiting for that perfectly clear moment is an exercise in frustration, since it's not likely to pass.